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Do we have any CHOICE left now?

March 29, 2012

The early morning cool breeze whiffed past my hair when I opened the balcony door. The first ray of the rising sun provided the much needed natural vitamin for my skin. Basking in the sunlit glory, with a mug of warm milk in my hand, I admired the beauty of nature around me. Colourful reddish orange sky, birds flying together in flocks, milkman and newspaper delivery guy doing their daily rounds, and few people hurriedly saying the quick bye’s and blowing flying kisses before starting their vehicles to the office.

I sighed. How I wished I had a family. That I too would be rushing off to my office, go down the stairs, out of the building, blow them flying kisses, seeing love on their face knowing that they will be impatiently waiting for me to return in the end of the day. But the only thing now that is waiting for me is the empty loneliness of the four walls of my house, floor demanding attention to be mopped and cleaned, dishes in the kitchen sink lying in wait for me to be scrubbed and washed dry. But hey, wait!! Despite the loneliness and quietness that fills my house emerges a melodious spiritual music playing from my stereo laptop. And in the corner of the living room lies a strong unseen force. Lord Krishna and his consort, Radha. Although being abandoned by my family and relatives, and friends rarely checking in, I have no one to turn to except God. I often wondered why people remember God when they are in problems /depression? God was there in every point of your life, in your ups and downs, high and lows but we chose to remember Him when we have hit the lowest bottom, and then cry out “Why me”??!! We have forgotten the very existence of God! And thus, while I look at the beauties of nature, and the sun that is now already high up in the sky, I look at God too knowing that he had never left me! I never fail to take one last look at the corner where a small picture was kept before I leave home for work. And after 11 hours, when I return home, unlock the door, I chirp “Krishna, am hooooome”!! Of course, there is no one to come running to hug me, or make me rest while they pamper me with food/drinks and ask questions of how the day had been. I use to silently go in, change my dress, take my chanting beads, switch off the light, leaving the corridor light on, and meditate for two hours on the powerful “Hare Krishna Maha-Mantra” which gets over as the sun rises.

Thus here I am, at the balcony door after I am done with meditation. Looking around, I see pigeons. A flock of pigeons have started using my Kitchen terrace as their home, laying eggs, tending to it till it hatched, and then taking care of the babies till they are old enough to leave home and fly again. And when I think of cleaning the kitchen terrace once I see the bird grown and fly away, I see yet another egg. Sigh! Thus the flock has now grown in 10 months time. They were my only companions thou their screeching sometimes irritate my ears. Pigeons aren’t as melodious as nightingale or even chirpy like a sparrow, but you should hear them when it starts mating! Grooooaaaaan. At least I thank God, it is not a crow!!

A scream of “mummmmmmyyyyy” distracted my attention. Facing my balcony is a mini-playground and a small child was joyfully swinging away. My heart felt a painful pang. I remembered my own child who will be 6 yrs old on March 31st. He was separated from me at the age of 2 and a half when his father forced me to sign on the divorce papers. I miss playing mother to him, who would keep me on my toes all the time, running from one room to other. I miss his mischievous pranks, I miss his tantrums, I miss his hugs, and above all, I miss his smiles.

Screeeech!! Kraaaok Kraaaok!! There! The irritable voice again! It is the pigeon!! The male pigeon was trying to charm the female one by swelling his body, ruffling up feathers and going round-n-round in circles, then sitting atop her! Nice way to start their morning, eh? Looking at them reminds me of my own love-life (after the divorce) that had been so beautiful but later on had been full of pains and agony. Thou I do not want to go into details here (else it would have been yet “another” story), this is the only moment when I start hating the virus. Just when everything had been snatched away from me and after 3 years, I finally found someone to love again, and live again, this darned virus flipped my life. Breaking news to him was not only hard for me, it was more hard for him. Thou we don’t date anymore, and things aren’t the same as before, I sometimes think how my life would have been had I NOT been positive. The only consoling factor is that he is now my close friend but also painful to live with as well coz love changing back to friendship is the most hardest thing one can accept and endure. BUT do I have a CHOICE?

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16 Comments leave one →
  1. Nena permalink
    March 30, 2012 2:13 am

    Sweet girl! Just know I am always here for you and know you are not alone, physically maybe, but not in spirit 🙂

  2. mumbaiyyagal permalink
    March 30, 2012 7:17 pm

    Yea Nena…. I can “feel” u there already being with me in my every walks of life, despite distances 🙂

  3. mirriam permalink
    March 31, 2012 4:19 am

    That was good baby,
    reading this blog just brought tears rolling down my chic, the amount of stigma u have to go through is as equal to any other HIV POSITIVE GAL I have ever met and talked to. the only difference between you and them is that you are a golden lady so strong like a rock for a house foundation and thats the beauty i would love you to maintain. Mirriam will always be here for this beautiful lady despite the distances this community will always be there for you. when you begin to get other gals in you area in the same situation they will be come your sister, mother, father and the children in the same situation will be your children too.

    Back here I have a three year gal i plan to adopt in the near future she has no one completely in her life her parents left here to fin 4 herself on the street of Kampala before she was got by the city authority who took her to a foster home the beautiful glow of happiness on her face each time i meet her. she has won me over and challenged my thoughts of loneliness. at her age she has been through a lot like an adult some times she express her feelings be drawing and then explained what she is meaning. You and this little gal given me joy beyond human existence that extending a hand to some one in need does not cost much but saves lives.

    haaahaaaa i saw ur comment on my funny name with “rr” . My name with many “rr”. has a funny tale, when i was being baptized as a baby the priest made a mistake in my baptism card and wrote Miriam as MIRRIAM, My parents took it as a light mistake that later became a reality when i was sitting PLE (primary leaving exams) to go to another stage in education. the center master repeated the mistake made by the priest, that means that if i am to change my name back to the first one i have to go to the court and explain myself then the court would revoke the first name publicly. I just gave up and continued using through out. though each time some one is writing my name i have to check it first if its having my “rr”.

    Love and enjoy your day
    Mirriam

    • mumbaiyyagal permalink
      March 31, 2012 8:30 pm

      Mirriam sweetheart, only a wearer of the shoe knows where it hurts a lot! People who have been thru are those who can relate to what we are trying to express, and then u know what happens? A connectivity, an unseen unknown bond is formed, be it out of love, awe, inspiration, hope, u name it, the very bond has it! It is thus nameless!! And thus it flowers into a beautiful relationship, its fragrance in full bloom, attracting lot of other bees to suck our nectar (the nectar in this case, “experience”)……and plant it in other flower that will bear fruit!!!!

      Whoa!!!! I didnt know how that word had formed, but hey, I love it Mirriam, when u make my imagination go wild!! 🙂 Flower, Fragrance, Bees, Fruit!! Indeed!! 🙂 🙂

      Regarding the girl, she is a blessed soul. The way you described her to me, I can not only “feel” but also “make out” that at such a young age, she has more understanding of what “life” is as she describes thru her drawings. Which means, she sees life in pictures/ colours!! Watch out for blacks. Thou am no psychologist, I have been thru a bad childhood devoid of love, and in my drawings most of the colours were missing and black seemed to be my favourite. And black means “depression” “hatred” “mourning” “desertion” blah blah blah.

      As for ur double “r”, now that u have described it, I dont make a mistake in ur name anymore!!!!! Coz in the beginning, with ur name Miriam (minus an extra “r”) I relate it to Jesus, but now this double “r” made you into a UNIQUE person. Just YOU. Now when I write “Mirriam”, I wholly relate it to YOU as someone close yet so far.

      Love n hugs…….

  4. sassy diva permalink
    March 31, 2012 12:43 pm

    Damn gal u strong….u hv bn thru a lot yet u able 2 carry on nd face life’s hardships I long 2 hv d fytin spirit embedded in ur soul

    • mumbaiyyagal permalink
      March 31, 2012 8:09 pm

      Dear Sassy Diva,

      It is not easy being that strong where u can put a brave face when in fact u are breaking inside! But world is very cruel and life is like that. No one can understand your pains and sufferings and those who do understand will only sympathise which I dont want. I dont dwell in pity or sympathy. But you know what? There is a proverb “God helps those who help themselves”. So dearest Sassy Diva, just trick yourself to make even the bad day feel blessed, and the worse things that has ever happened will actually be like a blessing to you! My secret is (shhhhhh……its suppose to be secret but I have no other ways to say it except here) Train your MIND and your HEART will train itself!!! 🙂

      Love n hugs……

  5. April 2, 2012 2:09 am

    from day one when i joined you and read your articles,i feel there”s more meaning to life than waiting to die.each day have more strength to know that you are there to give me strength in life.thanks for your articles blessed lady.

  6. mumbaiyyagal permalink
    April 2, 2012 9:12 pm

    Dearest Caroline,

    No one deserves to die just coz of the sickness. NO. We fall sick, yes, but if we have the power to RULE OUR BODY, then not even a “mere” disease could threaten us with death! Thus I say to everybody “Love your body, talk to your cells, do not be afraid and think positively. Counter-attack any negativities”. I learnt this from my ex bf who stood by me in my hard times, teaching me all this and his effort had borne fruit. My test reports had shown dramatic results.
    Thus “negativity kills and make you suffer” but positivity brings hope and does you good. So my darling, fight the disease. Eat healthy, banish fast food, excess oil and unnecessary food, exercise daily (even if u have less time, a 10 mins cardio wont harm), look at yourself in the mirror, smile and say that u gonna live it as life is beautiful!

    Much love……

  7. lisa permalink
    April 11, 2012 8:30 am

    today was my first time reading your blog and i must say i really wish i could see you in person.im lisa a 19 year old practising teacher who was recently diagnosed.and the first post i read was a girl like me and it really inspired me but i have 1 little problem im pregant but the thing is how am i going to tell the father of my unborn child about the diagnoses can you please advise on how to go about and tell him after all hes the one who infected me.any way wish you were in South Africa and in Durdan to be specific anyway wishing you all the best and hope God will one day fill your home with laughter, joy and happiness with a family that will always be there for you and support you and although im young and far away you can count on me for supporting and always thinkingn about you. and lastly may GOD richly bless and prosper you

    • mumbaiyyagal permalink
      April 12, 2012 12:44 pm

      Hi Lisa,

      I wish I could give u a loving soothing reply but instead of offering pity and sympathy, I would rather give u the CONFIDENCE to live on. First of all, I dont know if u r married or not. If he is ur husband, then it would be of no problem, go ahead with pregnancy and give birth as transmission to the baby can be prevented. I gave birth to my son by C-section and he was born negative.
      And if he is ur boyfriend, then u need to sit down and discuss with him. U cant hide the truth. After all, he too has to know. Not because he has infected you or made u pregnant but because his answer will make u realise where u stand. If he is ready to accept u and build a beautiful future together, then u need to immediately marry.
      If not, then u have two choice : To abort or not to abort. In India, abortion is a crime. In my religion, killing a foetus is a sin, but if u are having any kind of health complications and doctor suggest u an abortion then it is absolutely fine. Otherwise u have to make up your mind in what u need to do. Do u want to carry on, deliver the baby and take care and raise him single-handedly apart from taking care of ur health as well as ur job? Can u do that? This one need a deep thinking. If u think u are capable of it and if u are staying with a family/relative who agrees to look after ur child in ur absence, then that is going to be a very very nice feeling. Otherwise u may need all ur STRENGTH in raising him up as well as holding ur job and u need to be very very financially strong as the cost incurred goes not only in raising the baby, but also ur health checkups, medications, doctor visits, rent/bills/gas/petrol/other neccessities to pay, and so on.
      So take ur time to think, dearest Lisa. Think long and deep. Weigh the pros and cons before coming to a conclusion.
      Even if am not in Durban, so what? I am still here, still with u in two ways…Spiritually and Virtually. Internet has made the world a small place to live in! Am just a net away! so smiiiiiiile.
      And thank u sooooo much for ur blessings. I do badly need it as much as u do it.
      Lastly, if u believe in God, PRAY. Dont ask for anything, just pray to help show u the way.
      My prayers are with u….sending u cheerful vibes….should u feel like talking, am there. U can find me on facebook if u have FB account. (mumbaiyyagal@yahoo.in)

      Lots of love, hugs and kisses (i know u need it. U are too young and need all the strength to bear whatever the hardships, just cross the barrier without being defeated.)
      Stay Strong…Be strong…

  8. lisa permalink
    April 11, 2012 8:34 am

    sotty but it was the one on SENSETIVITY…

    • mumbaiyyagal permalink
      April 12, 2012 12:50 pm

      🙂 🙂 Got it Lisa darling….
      I feel u too and whatever I have said, do think abt that and still if u have more questions, feel free to ask me. Do not hesitate.

      (((hugs)))

  9. Khadijat permalink
    April 11, 2012 9:23 am

    My good friend I do have similar thought, but as you’ve said earlier we have no CHOICE. I believe that one day a cure will comes our way by the grace of GOD and we shall be a living testimony.

    Cheers……..

  10. mumbaiyyagal permalink
    April 12, 2012 12:58 pm

    Khadijat, my dear friend, u know what? Even thou it pictures as as “helpless” coz we have no choice, I want to change the word “helpless” into “being capable” just coz we have no choice.
    To make my sentence easier, what I mean to say is that yes, we have “no choice” and accept whatever has happened to us or happening BUT that does not mean we are helpless but we are “capable of making and adjusting to the change” coz being HIV has put us in such a situation that we have to ADAPT to it!
    So there!!!!!!
    Positive outlook!!!! All u need is to “twist” a little 🙂 🙂 🙂
    Any living being can thrive in any kind of environment provided it learn to adapt to it!

    • Khadijat permalink
      April 19, 2012 8:50 am

      Dear friend I truly I agree with you.

      LOVE from me

  11. mumbaiyyagal permalink
    April 13, 2012 4:10 am

    Dearest LISA,

    A correction : I meant to say, in MY opinion abortion is a sin and as per indian law it is a crime….Sorry if u misunderstood my word, I was thinking about myself in ur place thats why such grammar…..Please do not think I was making any kind of judgement…..
    Hope u feel ok and I do sincerely apologise in case if I had hurt u in any way

    (((hugs)))

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