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BEWARE!!!!!! He May Be HIV+, But He is Not Any Better

June 27, 2011

Yes! I now know better because, just like many HIV+ women, I thought that men like us would probably treat us better and be a little kinder because they could relate to what was happening in our lives…but sisters do not be fooled!

I met Dan (not real name) about two years ago when I and my son’s father decided  to separate, because in our ignorance, he thought he needed an HIV free woman and I thought the best for me would be an HIV+ partner. Dan seemed like an angel on earth so I thought, but i was terribly mistaken.

A few months into our relationship I conceived, which was a highlight for us,  because we all desired other children. I had a son and he had one too. Unfortunately for me, though, as Fate would have it, I carried my baby till 9 months but about two days to my C-Section, I had an abruption of the Placenta that resulted in a still birth.

After the loss, Dan told me that he loved me despite what had happened but believe me, hardly six months after as I later learned, he started seeing someone else and didn’t tell me. The saddest bit was I didn’t find out, because i trusted  him, until the 24th of December last year when he sent me an email (he
couldn’t even tell me to my face) telling me that he had met someone else a few months back who could give him a child and she was already pregnant for him.  You don’t have to imagine how I spent my Christmas but by God’s grace I am much better today.

From my experience, I have realized that because these men are HIV+, it does not change what they are made of and so they will not necessarily be better people or more sympathetic. They will hurt you regardless.  It is better I  believe, to be open minded and not necessarily seek out those that may be HIV+
and for those that really need a positive partner, just be even more cautious.

I have also realized that Love can be enjoyed even with an HIV negative partner.  My son’s father, just like me, realized that Love that is true and beautiful is  above HIV  because we both failed in our attempts to meet people that were  like us.

We are trying to rebuild our lives again and are one day at a time picking up  the pieces.

Am glad I went through this experience because I appreciate those men that are HIV negative and are still willing to love us.

17 Comments leave one →
  1. kele permalink
    June 27, 2011 11:11 am

    I feel u Joy dear. Somehow u are retelling my story. I found that hiv – men treat me better than hiv + men. An idiot will always be an idiot hiv+ or not

  2. kari coffman permalink
    June 27, 2011 11:29 am

    Thank you for your story. I know that was not easy to share, but you are helping other women like yourself! Thank you very much!

  3. Refilwe permalink
    June 28, 2011 5:02 am

    OMG…am shocked because have always had in me that i need to find a partner who is same as me HIV+, who understands what am going through, as i still say this, am very scared of infecting some else, mistakes do happen, condom busts, gums do bleed etc and just thinking with what i have been through, through my journey of HIV i wouldn’t wish it on my number1 enemy, living with HIV is such a great challenge, experiencing that on your own is even more depressing and difficult. Now what does one do, cause right now am at a point where i feel i need someone in my life, i honestly miss human touch, romance. But I haven’t given up that for sure.

    • June 29, 2011 4:15 am

      Refilwe my dear , its a choice that all of us infected women will make but if like you say you wouldn’t want to risk another person’s life then you can opt for one with HIV but just be cautious and take your time to know this person just like you would know any man. some may be different but be sure to know that their HIV status does not change who they are. Still dont be scared about the accidents even with a negative man, if you are on treatment i believe the chances of you infecting him are minimal. I hope you find that which your looking for real soon.

  4. Anne permalink
    June 29, 2011 5:08 am

    Thanks Joy it feels like you are speaking to me, after the father of my son discovered that we were both HIV+ he addicted his life to alcohol, our son is five months old and already i have caught two times in bed with different woman. Only God knows how will I be able to get trough him because talking makes no difference all he says is how sorry he is and making empty promises that it wont happen again its only that he is stressed.

  5. DARAMOLA TOSIN permalink
    June 29, 2011 5:23 am

    Seem am in the same shoe with Refil, i hope some day i will find HIV+ guy that will make me forget my positivity and be happy again, what can one do now because this LONELINESS HURT

    • Refilwe permalink
      June 30, 2011 3:12 am

      Eish love, and it like one is living a double life, happy during the day, hanging out with collegues and friends AND when bed time comes dear, reality hits you, you are indeed alone, not that our happiness depend on men, I am very happy with my life with my naughty, handful, evil and adorable beautiful 4year old. LOL. But sometimes do miss being loved and touched back, you know.

  6. Refilwe permalink
    June 30, 2011 3:19 am

    Anne, my baby daddy did the same thing, he is 34yrs old and sleeps around with youger girls 10 yrs 15yrs younger than him, how can one be so selfish and cruel. I understand HIV is not a dearth row but it’s still a desease and a painful one.

  7. zamaxabiso permalink
    June 30, 2011 5:38 am

    lols, i feel yo pain, also got marid 2 a pos man, he cheated nd beat me up when i complained. He didnt even want 2 use a condom, thanx 2 treatment m stil non detectible, he already hs a child elsewher nd nw m devorcing him.

  8. Refilwe permalink
    June 30, 2011 10:10 am

    Joyaloyo, thanks love for sharing your story, I for one honestly thought otherwise or differently, i thought it would be much better if I would be involved with a guy on same sitituation as me. Now reading Zama’s story as well, guess men will always be men.

  9. July 1, 2011 3:30 am

    thanks, joyaloyo. Right, stupid and insensitive is stupid and insensitive. I’m enjoying being single, but as y’all say, sometimes miss being held and the romance. The best thing is to have as full a life as you can and meet people in a variety of situations. Of course opportunities for that depend on your circumstances, and how well you are. I’m very wary of men in general, even though I know there are good men around. It’s just hard to “go slow” and take time to develop the friendship first when you are lonely.

  10. Vickie Lynn permalink
    July 2, 2011 7:44 am

    Thanks for sharing your story. I know that I am very blessed I have been with a “neggie” for 7 years. He is amazing and he treats me like a queen. Although my HIV poses challenges it does not affect how much we love each other.

    Good luck!

    • July 5, 2011 9:19 am

      My sisters, i understand what you are going through. I always believe that we all have people that are made for us, some take a time to come our way but they will surely come. The lonely nights i must say can be terrible but after the night the morning will surely come for each one of us and i also have found out that having friends that know your status and are like you is also helpful so try and find an HIV buddy as they call them. Both of you will be of help to one another when you need a listening ear. I have one that i call when am low and she will surely lift my spirits up! sometimes we think that its these men that can make us happy but it starts with us go to the movies and keep yourself busy you can never know he will find you sooner when you are not looking. God Bless!

      • July 23, 2011 2:03 pm

        hi my dear all are effected of that life so please dont bleem all people no life has a good as bad so becareful all what i can say
        so u can reply or contact me on

  11. Refilwe permalink
    July 24, 2011 4:03 am

    Jeff, what are on about?..Joy wasn’t blaming ALL men,if that is what you are implying, she was just sharing her experience with this one particular stupid and selfish guy. And we agreed as we can relate to her story. We are not blaming ALL men but we simply learning from these experiences we share, i believe that is what this website is about, we share stories, share information and learn as much as we can from each other…..But anyways MOST men are DOGS period!..yes i said it!

    • Pos permalink
      September 29, 2011 12:16 pm

      There are + men who have the same issues. Afraid to expose their status to someone – and don’t know how to meet females who are +. People period can be DOGS and cruel. It’s a very difficult, lonely life.

  12. Linda1st permalink
    July 28, 2011 9:54 pm

    Ya, I thought it was a small fish bowl too. I found a guy, positive and younger than me……but a booty call…the hug and anti loneliness we all speak of. I was gonna go slow, be friends……well we hit it off and ended up at his house.
    I think I was too big of a girl for his taste, and it was a one night stand. We were cordial, but online only. Recently, he messaged me. Quite frankly, by now….I am asexual? me myself and I! I lost the daily urge that got me in this mess, and while i could easily regain my sexuality; why for him? I’d love a Man, I’d love some sex…i am not lonely, I am a sexual woman, and i mourn the loss of that, but my health is more important. I bet love plays an important part in health……but we gotta love ourselves. I am a big fan of bubble baths! Even when I had a lover……the bath tub was where i got my relief. lol.

    We, as women…….and not part of the VAST gay/homosexual community…..are mostly alone. All the events I have attended (minus the 1 all female event) were male hook up opportunities……and that was obvious. We don’t have that yet, and really as women……most of us hope for a rosier picture than that one. It’s a small fish bowl, and even then, we need to use caution. Sad, huh?

    As positive as i am, I am right there with you all. Ahhhh, to have the freedom to openly seek love………be good to yourselves, retain your sexual self, and eye candy is free and painless!
    EAT YOUR (fresh) VEGGIES and EAT to Live!

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