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Update from Sonia

April 19, 2011

Hello,

It’s been a mad 3 months. Moved to a new city, new job and life has been a roller coaster. Meeting new friends, and some old ones too. In a busy life while I am trying to be like everybody else, out of the blue sometimes a cruel voice whispers to me that I am different. I wince…then i smile. Yes I am different…I am stronger!

I had my tests done last week. when the results came, my CD4 count had dropped by nearly 250 in only 4 months. I was so low the entire day, till my husband after a few hours of researching on the internet found out that a drop in CD4 count is not considered as bad as long as the ratio is good. Thats exactly what the doctor assured me this morning. My viral load was undetectable, and the ratio was better than before. Now a repeat test after 3 months will decide the pattern of my counts. he said there was nothing to worry about…for now!

After he explained all he had to I asked the one question that was in my head since the time i met him last, but had not asked – so when and how can we start trying for a baby? 

It’s such a mixed feeling, in one corner of my heart I feel the worst guilt ever for wanting a baby despite knowing that there will be a risk of transferring the virus to my little one. On the other hand, that is what i have been craving for from the moment I realized i am a woman and the greatest gift God has given me as a woman is the opportunity of becoming a mother someday. How can i give that up completely. The reason I got infected was in an attempt of having my baby. I can’t lose the battle by letting that be the bottom line. I have to try.

I have been reading a lot in the past weeks and I understand that thanks to the advancement and progress of medical science many HIV positive women have had babies that are HIV negative, but not without a small percentage of risk being involved.

I would like to ask the other women if what I want is unfair or something that I should not lose hope on. My doctor has said that we can discuss this further after my next test results 3 months from now, but meanwhile I would really really appreciate advice. Hope I will find the wisdom to take the right decision.

 Regards,

 Sonia

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. Lynn permalink
    April 19, 2011 11:05 am

    Hello. Thanks for posting your hopes and dreams. I do hope for you that you decide to go for the baby. With the correct medications and medical care the risk of infection for your baby is so minimal. I hope that you have a supportive medical team helping you with this. I found out about my HIV status right after I became pregnant. It was beyond terrifying, but I learned so much and did all the right things to protect myself and my unborn child. Today I can say a that I have a lovely 2 year old (negative status) son, and I am so happy that I have him. I sometimes feel that he is my reason, my motivation, my joy…you name it. He’s everything to me. And because of him I want to try to be as healthy and happy as I can be. I could go on, but I think you get the point. Children are wonderful and being a mom is the best thing I’ve ever done! All the best with whatever you decide- Peace.

  2. Soniaroy79 permalink
    April 19, 2011 11:25 am

    Thank you Lynn for your kind words and encouragement…it brought tears to my eyes and a lot of hope to my heart. You are blessed as a mother, and currently in my life there is not a single thing I want more desperately than to be a mother someday. I pray every passing night that may God bring me closer to my dream of holding my baby in my arms. I am grateful for your advice. take care.

  3. ashanti permalink
    April 19, 2011 11:47 am

    Dear Sonia, Like Lynn I found out about my HIV status whilst 13weeks pregnant. It was the most terrifying time as my knowledge about mother to child transmission (MCT) was sub zero:-)…but I have gone on to have a very healthy 10month old baby girl whose initial tests have all come back negative. We are yet to test her at 18months but I am very positive that will be negative:-)) too! I am currently not on any meds myself as my numbers are good. Motherhood is a joy…and a blessing….till I had my little one I thought I had it all figured out. But I am now more happier than I’ve ever been, my life is more purposeful….and she is my greatest achievement! Till I had her i thought slaving away for 5years gettign a doctorate was it…but i now know better. I will encourage you to go for your dreams…you will come out the other side ……there will be some fear but dont they say we should feel the fear and do it anyway…i wish you all the very best…and pls feel free to email me omshantishakti@gmail.com. love and light….xxx

  4. Jessica permalink
    April 19, 2011 12:31 pm

    Sonia,
    I encourage you to go for what your heart desires, I have a six year old and wasn’t positive at the time, but I became positive 2 years ago (after finding out my ex was married and a serial cheater) and put the idea of having another relationship let alone children out of my mind. I thought I was too “damaged” to love or have children so I convinced myself I never would have anymore. Then about 3 months ago I found out I was pregnant… with TWINS! A moment that should of been the happiest moment of any woman’s life, made me feel horrible I literally ran to my doctors office after our first sonogram and had a break down because I could not cope with the possibility of giving my unborn babies something they had no choice in getting. I KNow the emotions you are going through and after months of reading, researching, questions, and many doctors appointments, I am convinced that my babies will be fine. Even tho they run a very minuscule risk of getting the virus, as long as I take my medication, and keep all my appointments I am doing my part to give my unborn babies the best possible opportunity at a wonderful virus free life! I feel very blessed to be given this opportunity and as Lynn said being a mom is the best thing ever, so don’t doubt your self! I wish you the very best and I’m sure you will be blessed with a healthy baby or who knows… maybe babies! =]

  5. April 19, 2011 12:36 pm

    Dear Sonia as a advocate for HIV+ people the one thing I do know is as HIV+women can have health children even in the face of HIV/AIDS. So my sister in the struggle please don’t stop trying to have your dreams come true for and your husband.

    once you get your CD4 count up and your V-load undetectable and with the help of your provider keep trying.

  6. Soniaroy79 permalink
    April 19, 2011 2:11 pm

    Thank you Ashanti, Jessica and Teresa for your encouragement. I cant express enough how thankful i am to read your positive words. I have been smiling ever since. I am sure you girls make wonderful mothers and you are a true inspiration for me.

  7. debra permalink
    May 4, 2011 5:22 am

    Hi Sonia, its strange i just joined all the way from a small country in Africa called Uganda. you can imagine the challenges women in developing countries face but i went on to have a son he is 4 years now and healthy. i would want to have another one soon and as long as you have a supportive partner all is well. debra

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