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It’s Always There

January 17, 2011

My head is spinning.  I am typing as fast as I can.  I fear if my fingers stop moving, I may chicken out.  But I know this is right.  Whenever opportunities have presented themselves to me that will be good for me I have felt a similar pull, a universal, gravitational tug, which I can’t escape.  My decision to write this blog is one of those opportunities.  I am terrified.  What if someone finds out my status that I am not ready to tell?  What if I can’t think of anything to write?  What if it is too overwhelming for me?  What if?  What if? What if?  My heart is still racing.  I remind myself to breathe.  Just do it Lynn.  Just do it.  I need help.  I need support.  I need sisters to walk through this with me.  I have come back to this blog site time after time for the last couple of months.  I think I knew subconsciously before deciding to write that this was the place for me.  This is the place where I can be myself, naked, transparent, scared to bits and braver than hell.  I will do my best to be as honest and present with my writing and my struggles.  Thank you for sharing with me and welcoming me into our powerful community.

I wrote the above paragraph several weeks ago.  I didn’t submit it at the time because I wanted to give myself an opportunity to consider my choice to write this blog.  As I read it again tonight I can reflect that in just the few short weeks since I applied to be a writer on this blog I have already felt a sense of relief.  There has been a slight lightening of my burden.

Yet, at the same time I am still surprised how much HIV is a part of my every waking hour over 2 years post-diagnosis.  Heck, it is even a part of my sleeping hours thanks to the medications I take and the bizarre dreams I have.  But I’ll save that for another entry.

HIV is part of my life every day.  One would be surprised at how much it infiltrates many of my thoughts.  First thing in the morning during the shower as I see my hair fall out and consider whether this is an effect of HIV or my meds or of the stress it causes me-HIV is there.  During my work day when I sit with clients and the things they talk about quite often makes me consider my HIV status-HIV is there.  When I am feeding my darling son dinner and feeling intense love for him, and the fear that I won’t always be here for him-HIV is there.  At night, before bed, when I take my meds-HIV is there.  These examples are minimal.  I don’t think I could ever quite explain how much it is a part of my life.  There are a thousand things a day that remind me of my disease.  I hope it gets better.  I hope that I don’t have to always think about it.  Or perhaps that the way I think about it can morph into something healthier.

I apologize for my somewhat disjointed blog tonight.  Just a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings that are all trying to get out at the same time.  Peace and sweet dreams.  ~Lynn

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. mariateresa1111 permalink
    January 17, 2011 2:21 pm

    Hi Lynn!! yes we all need from each other..and writing here also helps me! all your feelings are valid! but believe me it does get better 🙂 the vivid dreams are because one of the meds you are taking, the hair loss is most likely stress..it took me a looooooong time to put hiv/Aids out of my mind.. now after 20 years i can honestly tell you that their are some days I don’t even think about hiv..i just take my meds with my vitamins and act like it’s another vitamin. I do get very angry and frustrated sometimes and I cry..because I get tired , Im like how long am I going to go through this? you know, but I pick myself right up and continue like a soldier 🙂 . I hate when I feel sick or I get side effects, that’s when I am reminded of what I have :/ ,but we are dealing with this for a reason and believe me it makes us real strong..(hugs) Love and light to you!! ~Maria~

    • Lynn permalink
      January 20, 2011 10:59 am

      Maria…thanks for your reply. And you are probably right about the stress causing hair loss. I just always seem to blame everything on the HIV or the HIV meds first. I thin you are right tho, I need to really prioritze my holistic care, and espeicially find ways to deal with my super stressful life. Thanks again for being so supportive and open. ~Lynn

  2. January 18, 2011 8:25 am

    Dear Lynn, I don’t wish to overstep my boundary here, but if you go to my blogspot which I began on my own last year, you might hear echoes of the similar experiences I went through, 27 years ago when I was first diagnosed. You’re very courageous for pushing through these very real feelings of angst. I look forward to hearing more about your new path with HIV in your life.

    The way you talk about your son makes me smile, I can feel how beautiful he is and how much he needs you, and you WILL be there for him. I look forward to your next blog.
    Peace and Courage

    • Lynn permalink
      January 20, 2011 11:00 am

      Gisele, no worries about boundaries, and yes I have looked at your blog, and others. It is really helping me to conect with you women. I need all the support I can get, and I hope that I can give some too. And yes, my son is my magic, sparkle and joy in my day. he is the most powerful motivator. Thanks again, Lynn

  3. mano permalink
    January 29, 2011 7:20 am

    hi Lynn
    I can totaly relate to feeling like HIV is in every fibre of your being. With time you will get used to it. Just like a person who looses a limb, you will need time to ger used to your crutch.

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