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Confused

December 10, 2010

It’s been 2 months since my diagnosis and I am so confused. I got infected early 2010. I have not begun taking any medicines. My doctor has recommended some immunity shots and some vitamins before my next meeting with him. Since this is something I have not been able to talk about to the people around me, all I have done in the last few weeks is a lot of research on the internet. I am not sure if that has brought me relief or made me feel more afraid of what lies ahead. Maybe, a little bit of both. Scared because it is a painful reality that is going to be a part of me forever and ever. Relief from knowing that millions of women around the world are fighting this reality and living their lives with dignity as wives, girlfriends, daughters and mothers.

I have to take my next viral load and CD4 count test soon. I am nervous. How much will my viral load have increased in 3 months? How much would have my CD4 count dropped from the last test? It took me so many weeks to stop my tears, and now will this take me back to that moment when I first saw my test results and my head started to spin and I felt my heart sinking so low, that it hurt. To make myself feel better, I go back and read several times over the articles and blogs from women who are fighting and surviving HIV. I draw courage from their strength, confidence from their attitude and faith from their stories. I aspire to be like them.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. December 10, 2010 10:57 am

    Dear Soniaroy and newly diagnosed,

    Seems silly doesn’t it to have all these code names and labels, when really you’re still the same person you were before you received news of your diagnosis.?

    I remember being diagnosed 27 years ago, I remember how hard it was to stop looking into what seemed an abyss. Just a large black hole for the future. But you will look back 40 0r even 60 years from now and see how small that hole really was.

    That your life has taken a different and unexpected turn is for sure. But it’s OK to just sit, or walk, meditate, pray …or anything healthy that will help you absorb this new turn in your life….maybe you swim or exercise…do you have a good friend or family member you rely on to help you carry this load with you for a time? You’re not dying, it’s your living that will change. There’s nothing wrong with you. Diseases don’t discriminate.

    I send you courage and peace in this time of change in your life.

  2. jae permalink
    December 10, 2010 11:57 am

    Gisele has given you some wonderful words of wisedom. “You’re not dying, it’s your living that will change.”
    These are words for all of us to live by! I realized this when my father died at the age of 53. It was very unexpected. Who knew he had an underlying health issue. We are lucky in a sense. We know what the problem is and we can take better care of ourselves to ensure a longer future. I will out live my father. I am strong and healthy. I do know my limitations however. If I do get sick, colds, flu ect… I take a few more days off of work to take care of myself.

    Now talking numbers… everyone is different and numbers fluxuate also. You really shouldn’t see much movement. but you will over time. Then you and your doctor will figure out the best couse of action, when the time comes.
    You will have a long life, make a difference.

    Jae

  3. December 10, 2010 2:46 pm

    take heart and courage,take your doctors advice and avoid stress.this is my 6th year and dpoing great,very beautiful n charming i wish u can see me

  4. shirley permalink
    December 14, 2010 9:05 am

    Sonia I feel your pain.Being diagnosed with HIV is a hard pill to swallow but believe me once you do take it in the pain you feel is eased.When i was diagnosed in June 2010 i was six months pregnant,had just lost my job and gotten married.I was being pulled in all directions.I confided in my Mum and she told me onething that changed my outlook.’Now you know for sure it’s there.So deal with it.’I do not know when i was infected but i was sexually active way before i got married so who knows it might have been there for years.What matters is you state of health today what you do frm today to be healthier.Since i was diagnosed my quality of life has improved.I appreciate life more.I live breathe and give love to all i can.i have stopped chasing clouds and do the best i can always.It was not easy for me to get here sometyms i stikll cry myself to sleep but i know it’s best that i know.many people live with the virus and do not know knowing affords you the oppurtunity to manage it so it does not catch you by surprise.Hang in there with time the fear will be replaced by courage and you will embrace HIV for what it is……..your life time companion…….

  5. mariateresa1111 permalink
    December 16, 2010 4:32 pm

    All the advice and support you are getting here will help you cope and learn!! I will try to write a lot of the things I have been through in these 20 years!! for anyone that needs me I am here to stay 🙂 I invite all of you to read my blog and my tips! and I am so thankful to be able to read everyones blogs and experiences! we are here to support each other..peace and love
    Maria ❤

  6. Tere permalink
    December 19, 2010 7:13 pm

    Hello Maria . like your mother I feel very proud of you , in my poor english , I can tell you that you are very strong woman you live your life day by day , your good style of life and quality make your health good, but the most important is that you have God in your mind always , and He is the Rock to help you the good and bad times .,Maria Good luck in all your projects . God bless you . I love you

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