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Trapped

November 15, 2010
Sometimes I feel trapped; trapped in my career, my marriage and even my body.

 

My career: I discovered my positive status while I was at work, so everyone knows. By everyone, I mean the other two women in the office. I’m a bit scared to move onto another office environment where people don’t know my status. I’m concerned what they would think if they found out. Is it something I share at an interview, so the employer knows I will need to visit the doctor often, which requires me leaving work early on those days? Is it something I will be judges for? If I don’t disclose and then they find out, will they be mad and think I hid something? Will there be distrust?

 

My marriage: I’m the first to admit that my marriage isn’t the best. My husband and I have been through a lot in our four years of marriage. Each of us were diagnosed with HIV, I was diagnosed with cancer, I had a major career move, we had a child and we bought our first home. That’s a lot to take in and absorb. Financially, we are very different people and this among other things creates a divide. However, I fear leaving or even thinking about divorce. Do I want to be alone for the rest of my life? Who is ever going to want a relationship with me after my diagnosis? Are there really other positive/single/straight guys near where I live?

 

My body: I hate my body. It’s fat, it’s ugly and now, I feel like it’s forever tainted with HIV and cancer. I suppose the one thing I can control is my weight. So this should definitely be the first step in improvements. However, I have had a weight issue my entire life and I often think I always will.

 

As you can see, I feel trapped. I need to escape, but I don’t know how. My only escape is at night, when I look at my sleeping child. He looks so beautiful and peaceful and I can’t help but feel empowered. I feel like I can accomplish anything when I look at him because I have to do it for him. Simply, he is what I live for.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. lol permalink
    November 15, 2010 3:20 pm

    i am sorry to hear that you are goin through all this and i know its a scary world that is so uncertain, but you know what it does get better ,i understand your fears through and through , i am learin to love myself and to try and shed a a bit of that weight coz i try and hide behind it, i have a son as well and i live for him in everyway but i want to grab that life as well and so should you you deserve every bit of happiness you can get your hands on. HIV is not who you are and with or with out it life has always been road trip . i feared no one would love me , would ever meet anyone but i got the biggest surprise a negetive man who loves me for who i am HiV and all. you can never put a measure on the things you deserve. One step at time and you do what you feel is right for you, if you want to change offices why not , its delvering that is important . some of those worries you may find are just our fears that want to stop us from that happiness and freedom we so deserve. life is too much of a precious gift to let it slip through our hands inlived, unloved and unchallenged. i wish you all the best!!!

  2. Mano permalink
    November 16, 2010 9:38 am

    Serenity Prayer:
    “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
    The courage to change the things I can
    And the wisdom to know the difference.”

    I hope this prayer did what it did for me when I was going through a tough times. Know that you deserve all the happiness and love in your life.

    Mano

  3. Vickie permalink
    November 20, 2010 10:56 am

    I have never met you but I kow you are a beautiful and wonderful woman, who deserves to be happy. Do not allow your HIV status to control your or your life.

    I have been positive for 26 years. I also felt as you did when I was first diagnosed. But today I have learned to live with the virus and have learned to love myself, faults and all.

    I have been dating a “neggie” (person who is negative) for the past 6 1/2 years. The guys I dated before him were also negative. I have found the more accepting I am of myself the more accepting others are of me.

    You are not alone, we are here for you and want to help support you. You deserve to be happy.

    Take care my friend.

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