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Reality

October 11, 2010

For some reason, every time I sit down to write my blog over the last couple weeks, I get very upset, emotionally and physically.  I literally begin to feel sick to my stomach.  My mind races of everything I want to say, but can’t seem to type. 

I believe this is from the fact that as I write my blog, the HIV becomes real.  Sometimes, I think I live in denial.  But when I do things like write about it or talk about it, it all becomes so real. 

Sometimes when I lie down at night, my mind races, as it has throughout the day, with thoughts on HIV and my life before and after.  Other times, I lie down and think to myself, wow – I made it through a day without thinking about ‘it.’ 

It’s a very tough balance.  I need to be Mom, wife, career woman, student, volunteer and now I’ve added HIV advocate/educator.  It can be very distracting to balance all that life has to give you.  But I do it.  I do it everyday.  The one thing that keeps me going is my son.  He is my reason.  Without him, I may not care so much and I’d probably let a few things go.  But because of him, I not only survive, I succeed!

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. marcia permalink
    October 12, 2010 12:15 am

    hey there,

    Sweety, i think u’re still very angry coz u’ve got HIV, you will heal and be able to stop being that angry as i believe none of us can come to full acceptance of this reality. All i want to say is, check what really upsets you most about it and try to avoid, maybe you were not ready to do the advocacy as it is putting a lot of strain in you. Makes u feel like you are such a hyprocryte, like u r pretending to be this perfect mom, wife and a super woman yet you are dying inside.

    Let those things go and do them when you are ready, i am not trying to be a shrink but it worked for me, i have come to terms with the fact thlat am HIV positive and it does not strain me, decided to disclose only to people that i know it matters, havent disclosed to my family or daughter yet cos it puts strain on me and am not ready to let them know yet. I will definately do it, when am convinced i should, in fact i blive it is coming soon.

    Try and not be too hard on yourself, ask for courage from above, cos God allowed and he will provide the strength. Yes you can do it. Love you lots.

  2. shirley permalink
    October 12, 2010 4:09 am

    I guess we all have our own way of dealing with our status’, for me i take it like any other chronic disease which i should manage in order to live my life to the full.There is cancer diabetes and other worse illnesses out there, just cause you have hiv doesn’t mean you will die from it.It’s a choice either spend each waking moment indulging the virus and giving it power or simply live your life just the way you want.Hiv is not who you are it does not define you it’s a small aspect of your life which you CAN control.It saddens me that people express extreme sympathy when someone mentions they have cancer but when I say ‘I HAVE HIV’ all i get is cynical looks and a whole lot of gossiping but you know what it don’t matter.Knowing my status affords me the oppurtunity to live my life to the full no time for procastinating or regretts,life is just too short.
    Katie you don’t have to talk about hiv all day or tell everyone you know about your status neither do you have to remember that you have it daily…to be honest i hardly think about it.Find your own way of dealing with it if blogging about hiv gets you down blog about something else (maybe your achievements)…you are in my prayers

  3. October 13, 2010 2:51 am

    I really feel for you. I am currently so overwhelmed with my work and making decisions that influence other peolples lives that reading through your article made me get up and face the issue at face level. So girl, get out there and be grateful that you have changed the lives of so many people. I SALUTE YOU!

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